tim's carlsberg years

parumpapumpum

2006-12-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

i'm not going to lie.... i love david bowie duets.

david bowie + bing crosby = magnificence

david bowie + freddy mercury = gloriousness.

peace on earth... let it be.

oh you spam-shiners

2006-10-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

the subject line from a piece of spam-mail that i've recently received:

piquant stepfather

(you can see why i was intrigued)

the text from this email (you don't have to read the whole thing - i've made a comment at the bottom):

" What an insult JR makes to Democrats to say that only Republicans desire to enforce our nation's laws. Because it shares a lot of low-cost-high-impact marketing examples.
if there goal was to make a movie about Mozart, but not about Mozart, and in a way that's not been done before. He helped us though two miscarriages and has now baptized both our sons. We rode in Clarabell while Thomas pushed us down the track and then pulled us all back home again. Many a times, people will buy because they want the bonus more than they want the product itself!
Will and everyone else just watched.
A static picture doesn't do justice to just how cool this feature is.
Why not repackage classic literature and sell it to the masses in cheap paperback format?
And changed the name of series to "Little Blue Books" to match their covers.
Hopefully, these options will be implemented in future versions. Because it shares a lot of low-cost-high-impact marketing examples.
Hopefully, these options will be implemented in future versions.
Today, I'm going to try updating one post through out the day. The non-partisan nature of the Minutemen is especially true in Oklahoma where many conservatives are Democrats simply because their daddy and their daddy's daddy were Democrats. And started printing "People's Pocket Series" books on cheap pulp paper.
So, I figured, it was do-it-myself time.
It is where I learned my magic words. Yet so difficult with ideas. Bought some glossy black spray paint specially made for applying to plastics and created my own black iPod Nano dock.
This is done under the theory that working with the Chinese government toward change is better than being blocked out and unable to have any influence. Many a times, people will buy because they want the bonus more than they want the product itself!

My comment:

what the hell is this thing!? what has anyone gained by sending me this? I guess now I've got the idea to make an ipod nano dock, but aside from the hardware store who sells me the spray-paint, who benefits!?

you fox sucker

2006-09-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

can anyone explain to me why a show like arrested development is moved around where no one can find it and subsequently cancelled, but a show like this hunk of velociraptor poop is able to shock audiences with its complete lack of comedy?

way to go geniuses.

10 names for a new puppy

2006-09-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

Maxwell P. Cogswoggle
Gerald Von Anthony III
Gary
Professor Peter Pounce
Reginald
Reggie
Reg.
Uncle Mortimer
Dr. Winston Allan, M.D.
Rue McClanahan

You find that man!

2006-08-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

man... i just watched the Fugitive last night on TBS for the first time in a while.... that is a really good movie.

i mean... a REALLY GOOD movie.

what i like is that there's no real twist at the end and its still so good.... you don't find out that Harrison Ford is really dead and that's why only Tommy Lee Jones can see him.... the one armed man did it, and that's all there is to it.

It's got everything: a man trying to clear his name, a US marshall just doing his job, short-sighted cops played by character actors...

plus it ends with a solid hotel laundry room chase which is always a bonus.

sounds i love:

2006-07-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

1) Emmylou Harris' voice
2) See #1

that is all.

Gus St.Templeton

2006-07-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

What I don't like about this GST cut: It essentially will increase the amount of money I spend. Between the increase in the personal tax rate, and the fact that the majority of my spending made on taxable items is related eating and drinking where either the change is tipped to the servers or the cost of food and beverages is set in increments divisible by quarters (or as I call them "boos"), this consumption tax decrease has only the possibility of increasing my outlays.

What I do like about this GST cut: The kids who get helped out by those Tim Hortons change boxes at the register must be rolling in the pennies this week. Those kids must be camping their brains out.

The best thing about the summer:

2006-06-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

gams

Reasons why Chicago is better than Toronto:

2006-05-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

Its proximity to Gary Indiana
The lack of pigeons – there are 8 in total and they act as a family – a wealthy family with a butler to clean up their poop and make the streets immaculate.
The Inter-city rail line with a “No shirt – No problem” policy.
Its openness to immigrants from the Isle of Mypos.
The ease of Chicago bean counting.

Reasons why Toronto is better than Chicago:

2006-05-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

Its proximity to the “Big Apple” in Colborne.
The abundance of Bengal tigers patrolling the streets in search of hooligans and scallywags.
Its single building used to trap tourists on a viewing deck – two is just too many.
The lack of Steven Q. Urkel.
Being next to one of the great lakes which doesn’t look the most like a penis.

Things Bears Like:

2006-04-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

Honey.
Berries.
Referring to Berries as "Bearies".
Inspecting garbage for delicious Bearies.
Inspecting garbage for delicious garbage.
Listening to Billy Joel music.
Laughing at people who dress their dogs in people clothes. You wouldn't catch a bear in people clothes... Unless it was a Billy Joel "Glass Houses" T-shirt.

Things people like to talk to you about when they don't know anything about you:

2006-03-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

1) the weather: classic conversation piece. it doesn't matter if there's good weather, bad weather, or no weather at all... people will use the phrase, "how 'bout this that weather out there?... eh?"

2) the local sports team: never as good as they used to be.

3) the weekend: how close... or how far away it is.

4) the elevator (for use only when currently in an elevator or while waiting for an elevator): it doesn't matter if it's made out of delicious apple pies, runs on thundrillium, and has a flux-capacitor for those days when you just want to get away from it all. people will always say shit like, "man... this elevator is the worst... the absolute worst..." i really want to ask someone when it is that they're in an elevator that they consider to be the best.... the absolute best.

Who would win in a fight between Gordon Lightfoot and Stompin' Tom Connors

2006-02-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

Gordon Lightfoot.

Why?

If You Could Read My Mind

all aboard!

2006-02-24T23:54:00.000-08:00

so... i just found out that after going out drinking, I can catch a bus that will drop me off right in front of my building.

shit.

it's just like being in public school again.

man, i miss my He-Man lunch box.

Let the "Throw Momma From the Train" reenactments commence!

2006-02-06T08:35:00.000-08:00

At 9:36 am, Saturday February 4th, 2006, Jodi Foster welcomed into this world a new baby loveseat.

She has decided to name the loveseat Danny DeVito.

Both couch and loveseat are healthy and making resting comfortable.

the best old-timey name for a woman's legs:

2006-01-12T20:33:00.000-08:00

gams

Glory Days. They’ll pass you by. Glory days.

2006-01-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

So last night was a Thursday, and I went out drinking. A pretty common occurrence over the last 6 years or so... the difference now being that I have to go to work when i wake up in the morning.

It seems that Drunk Tim is growing up because after my evening of pints followed by d-mailing I not only had the sense to set my alarm, but to also set the coffee maker – no small feat considering that it not only involves setting, but also filling with water and coffee grinds.

Hootenany.

son of a biscuit!

2006-01-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

so i just broke a coffee mug.

this wouldn't be that big of a deal except that by breaking that mug, i have depleted my coffee mug supplies by 50%.

dammit.

Tim Dickens' A Christmas Carol

2005-12-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

so i was walking home... minding my own business... and there's this guy walking towards me... his arms are full with various items.

because of his shuffling around with the aforementioned items, he dropped one the items. the item: a scarf.

so what did i do?... well, as he was about to walk by, i lift up my right hand, point to the ground in front of me and say, "excuse me, but you dropped your scarf". his response: "oh... thank you"... and we went out separate ways.

did i wait for him to keep walking and pick up that scarf for myself? no. and it just so happens that i'm in the market for a scarf... it would have made my morning walks to work much more comfortable.

anywho... the point of all this is that you'll probably be wanting to be hanging around me in the new year so that you can play with all my toys... santa is gonna be quite generous to me this year.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!!

2005-12-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

well, with all the talk on the news (or non-funny television) of an election, i hereby announce my intention to run for office.

i am throwing my hat into the ring. both literally and figuratively. although, to you that will only matter in the figurative sense. i on the other hand, now have to pick up my hat.

this is my platform:
- a shortened work-week.
- lower taxes.
- better social programs for those in my riding.
- no more pencils and no more books.
- no more teachers dirty looks.

well, that's all i've got so far. i've got to talk to my campaign manager before i say anything too radical.

i hope i can count on your vote.

-tim

ps. i should mention that i am running for prime minister of my apartment.

pps. unless you live in my apartment, you probably can't vote, but i will need your support at the rallies.

good morning america

2005-11-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

so i woke up... my pants are filthy... my kitchen is filthy... my soap dispenser has ended up in the bath-tub.... and then there are my shoes. my shoes were taken off my feet last night... it appears that the laces on one shoe decided to tie itself in a knot.

i like the fact that drunk tim has no time for knots in shoe-laces... he's got business to attend to. he has got to hit the hay. that's his mission.

honestly, it takes about 5 seconds to get the knot out of shoe-laces. it's not like drunk tim is trying to untangle christmas lights.

its a shoe-lace!

he leaves that job for hung-over tim.

man, drunk tim is a dick to hung-over tim.

I'll fight you.

2005-11-25T06:08:00.000-08:00

the empire gives up.

2005-11-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

So I was just sitting in my cube here, and then I hear this whistling coming from over the top of it... it was the Darth Vader theme... I'll tell you, it was a little ominous at first.

That was of course until I turned my head and saw a 5'4" guy walking by wearing a dress shirt and dockers.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Grinds my Gears

2005-11-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

You know what really grinds my gears?... when you wake up expecting to have a pretty good day... then you flick on the television set and it turns out that today's Saved by the Bell is gonna be a "Tori episode".

Dammit... that really grinds my gears.

Bark at the Moon

2005-11-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

i've discovered that a fun way to ride the subway is to stand in the aisle and not hold on to anything for support.

this way i can pretend that i'm "Teen-Wolf" when he's surfing on top of his van.

note: if you try this, you will have to resist the urge to howl when the subway comes to a stop.

Jodie Foster... you took a while to get here, but you were worth every penny... I don't care what Morgan Freeman says.

2005-10-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

So I got a new couch today.

I have named it Jodie Foster.

Also to note. I have been swiffering the apartment today and I have discovered that the most enjoyable way to use a swiffer is by pretending that it is a zamboni and to sweep the floor in the form of an oval... an oval which gets smaller with each passing sweep. What a life I lead!!

Factoids

2005-10-10T22:41:00.000-07:00

So, I've had my first week of grownup-ness... and I thought I'd share some things that I have learned:

Elevators can be used to take you anywhere.... provided that where you want to go is either up or down.
Hump-day, unfortunately, does not mean you get to ride a camel to work on Wednesday.
When you walk by the Pottery Barn you no longer think " I wonder if they have animals drinking out of coffee mugs in there... and you now think, " I bet I could get a nice lamp in there for my living room".
Canada AM is TERRIBLE.
People attach anything and everything to their belts: Blackberrys, Mobile phones, Ipods, Keys, Key Cards... If you have a belt, then chances are you've got something that you can attach to it... if you don't own a belt, you're probably wearing suspenders and are stuck in the days of prohibition.
"Working for the Weekend" isn't just a fantastic song by Loverboy... it's also a way of life. Did I mention it's still a fantastic song?!
Homeless people aren't as funny as words like "hobo" and "bindle" make them out to be.

That's it. That's all I learned this past week. Although, I also rekindled my love affair with Oktoberfest... I love Oktober.

so... this is it

2005-09-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

so i now have a sears card. shit.